A few months ago, I adopted a new cat. He’s an orange, 3 year old tiger-stripe named Willis; former feral gang member turned shelter staff favorite. I adopted him through the fantastic Cat Town Cafe, where my roommate volunteers. (Of course, I had a personal cat consultant.)
Here, have some photos!
The details of my first few months with Willis are being inked into a comic strip, which I may or may not share with y’all depending on how it shakes out. But for now, I need to talk about a Willis-related subject which comes up whenever I introduce him to a new friend:
“WHY ARE WILLIS’S BALLS SO HUGE?”
When I was first asked this question, I answered the person rather dismissively, “Oh, I don’t know. I guess he’s just blessed or something.” And then I probably laughed in a creepy way. But the truth is, I hadn’t even noticed Willis’s enormous balls until someone pointed it out to me! Honest. Despite full and conscious recognition that Willis is very buff and built like a feline ken doll, I failed to give his balls a thorough looksy. Who looks at a cats balls anyway?
“Is he…. neutered?” The friend will invariably ask.
“Yeah, yeah. The Cat Town sent me his vet records, and he has definitely for sure been neutered… But you know…… He wasn’t neutered until three months ago. So maybe that has something to do with it?”
“Oh, that probably explains it.” They will say.
“Yup. More meatloaf?”
“Sure, I’ll have some more.”
What usually follows is 5-10 seconds where my friend and I eat some meatloaf, and stare openly into my cats crotch— as if it’s one of those magic-eye paintings from the 90’s, waiting for the schooner to appear.
“Y’know….I always thought they took the balls off with neutering.” The friend will then say, after a few more awkward seconds. “His are just so….so…”
“Nah,” I’ll say, “They just, y’know…snip the little tube thingy, so the sperms can’t get out of the nut sack.” (Note: I am an actual certified sexual health educator)
Truth is, I didn’t actually know the procedure for neutering male cats at all, and was only guessing at it based on what I know about human vasectomies. As each new friend met Willis, and proceeded to make more or less the same comments, I began to grow more and more unsure that the vet records I was sent from Cat Town were accurate. I too, had never seen cat balls that freakishly large before. Whereas a normal neutered cat might have balls the size of two baby bumblebees, Willis has two jumbo fuzzy dice hanging from his tail, like the dashboard of a Florida hillbilly. Maybe CatTown made a mistake with vet records? People make mistakes, right? Of course they do.
So I typed “How can I tell if my cat is neutered?” Into a search engine. This led me down a very dark hole of horrors and graphic close-ups of cat testicles. Turns out, there’s no way to know for sure if your cat is neutered or not, unless you give your cats balls a good squeeze.
Though my doubts and curiosity were strong, they weren’t strong enough to get me to feel up my cat. No way. But I also couldn’t rest until I knew for sure that he was neutered. I had to find out!
So, I emailed Cat Town.
So there you have it. The final word. Willis the cat is WITHOUT A DOUBT neutered, but because he wasn’t neutered until he was 3 years old, he had three years of marinating in his own testosterone and masculinity. This resulted in beefiness, and huge balls, which will slowly, over time, shrink down to a normal cat ball size when he out-gasses his excess hormones.
So, if you want to come see a cat with the biggest balls you’ve ever seen, nows the time! I’m selling tickets right now at $25.00 a pop, or two for $40. Step right up!