I’ve done some pretty wacky things to get attention on the internet in my day. I’ve sexually propositioned Nigerian spammers. I’ve forced hapless roommates into meatball costumes and then force-fed them tomatoes, while filming them. I’ve stripped to a 7 foot merkin on stage and rapped about pubes (way before Amanda Palmer did that shit y’all). I even enjoyed a brief stint as a Charles Manson impersonator. Y’know. Stuff.
But despite all of these wacky things, I remain resolutely unpopular on the internet. Which means, the only people who are really looking at anything I post online are my sweet parents (who are beyond being traumatized by now), a few friends, and some rando pervs from Ukraine. (Note: I am definitely okay remaining an underground phenomena)
Well….. my true fame came to me last week, when I saw an ad for eyebrow gel pop up on Facebook, and decided to comment on it. I was waiting at the train station and didn’t think much about it. I didn’t read the ad, didn’t watch the video. Only saw the headline and felt compelled to react.
I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD SUDDENLY RISE TO FAME from my stupid comment. That my star would shoot to the moon, and continue to spit stardust and rainbows almost a week after the initial comment was made. I WAS THE # 1 COMMENT FOR FOUR DAYS. I watched as my likes climbed ever higher….100, 125, 150…..Where I can I go to accept my award, bitches? Should I prepare a speech now?
And then, last night, I saw that I was NO LONGER THE MOST POPULAR COMMENT.
Fuckin’ Lee Ford overtook me, by at least 20 likes. Just LOOK AT HER STUPID DUMB COMMENT.
“Her eyebrows look really sloppy.” Sloppy? Who the fuck has sloppy brows? I’ve only known one person who had sloppy eyebrows, and that was my mom’s aunt Jeannie. Jeannie didn’t have eyebrows at all, and so she drew two straight lines in her forehead with a pencil, to indicate perpetual bewilderment. This is reaching, Lee Ford, and you know it. REACHING HARD.
“There is no difference in the before and after…” Okay Lee. You win this one. I didn’t actually watch the video, because I don’t care enough. I’ve been using the same eye-brow product faithfully for dozens of years: REVLON BROW FANTASY. So, I didn’t feel compelled to lift a finger to press play on the video. But I can say, without a doubt, that’s a minute of your life YOU’LL NEVER GET BACK. What did I do with my minute? Well, I made a grocery list, balanced my checking account, and I got laid. Bam.
Finally, what kind of name is Lee Ford? You’re not a dead presidential candidate. You’re also not a wilderness tour guide, or an insurance broker. You’re definitely NOT an Alabama Realtor. So who’s the real Lee? Do you enjoy living your life as a lie? COME OUT WITH IT LEE FORD. THE WORLD WANTS YOUR REAL NAME.
And lastly, the absence of punctuation on “What am I missing here ” Is this a rhetorical? Did you fall asleep before you had a chance to include a question mark? You should lose some likes for bad punctuation, Lee. If I had the power to remove them myself I would, but it looks like I’ll have to message all of your followers to ask them to reconsider their liking your comment, one by one.
I have no other choice at this point, to regain my honor. I hereby summon you LEE FORD to the BATTLE OF THE BROW. Meet me next Friday, high noon, at the corner of Shattuck and Allston way and we’ll SEE WHO’S THE REAL WINNER.