I have had what you could call,  a tumultuous long-term relationship with online dating over the last several years. (Here’s an old blog I kept of some of my horror dates)  Sometimes it’s great, and I meet someone cool.  Other times, I meet someone so sadly  bizarre and depraved I wonder if I’m participating in Real Life.  Then, there are other times I myself am that person.

Anyway, I’ve basically grown to the point where, I only log in to my dating profile so I can read the profiles and messages I get out loud in different accents. I don’t go on dates really.  Sometimes I write back to assholes, because I feel like picking a fight with someone from far far away–especially when I’m raging with PMS. And sometimes, I just gotta laugh.

Consider this asshole.

He wrote to  me from North Carolina or something. Though I explicitly state “Locals Only” in my profile in huge, ALL-CAPS neon letters,  this guy writes anyway.   So, my rule is, I don’t hollerback a clown who can’t read  my  profile. You dig?  UNLESS OF COURSE HE WRITES ABOUT HIS DEAD WIFE. Then, my sympathy strings plucked, I decided to  write him back to clarify. (Even though by then, I was  already cheesed at the fact that he just “decided” for me that age/distance wasn’t a barrier.

Dot. dot. dot.

Is he….maybe a little slow, I thought?

And here is where any iota of pity I may have had for this  sad stupid man dried up and caught fire, the flames fanned to great and dangerous  heights by my PMS.

I hated that this dude  called me “a lady”, when my uterus was ready to explode blood.  I hated that he thought I was “understanding.”   I hated his stupid Gavin Newsom haircut,  his lame attempt at humor, his weird use of the word “International” to describe someone,   and yes, I even hated  his stupid dead wife, who he mentioned, not only in his first message to me, but at least THREE TIMES in his profile bio, which isn’t (at least in my mind) some form of “radical sharing” by a sensitive wounded  guy who’s putting it all out there…it’s just creepy and manipulative. Why are you pushing your dead wife into us, breh? BREH. THAT IS A HEAVY BURDEN TO GIVE A STRANGE WOMAN.

I decided this needed to end once and for all. So, after crafting several eviscerating drafts,  worthy of scum manifesto awards,  I settled on this, and decided If he writes back I’ll report him to the online dating authorities, and block his ass.

And guess what………He wrote back!

NOW AND FOREVER. 

Heres to love and idiocy  in the digital age, y’all.